There was a time when i slept over at their place. It was a friend’s birthday and we spent dinner over – just pizza and soda and meeting his cousin – and that time i was still disillusioned of my overly affectionate feelings for this person. The lights have been turned off and everyone but one was settling in to sleep. And he was there getting ready for bed and i was sitting on one of the other beds and in a surge of momentary braveness i called his name and said, Happy birthday, my arms wide open for a hug. Because i felt like being spontaneous and because i thought we knew each other enough to know that gestures like those were okay, at least between our little circle. But what i got was stunted silence and a stammering, Wait lang, and a second later the moment was gone, now replaced with an awkwardness i will not soon forget. He finished fixing his bed but by that time i was embarassed enough and no one wanted to get back to what happened a few seconds ago. It was the first substantial hit to my perfect illusion of a happy relationship with him, with those people.
I don’t think we ever got past that. Years later we kept seeing each other, and though at times it felt like things were working, there were moments when the barrier simply stood a little harder to break between him and me.
Experience is a brutal teacher but you learn. My god, do you learn. – C.S. Lewis
Mood: melancholic. it’s the first rain of summer.
Now Playing: Christina Perri – Arms | You put your arms around me and I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go.
There always is a choice. There always will be wishes. Sometimes they are the same things. And honestly right now I wish you’d text me and ask if you could come over because as much as I hate the way you tease and make me feel inferior, i’d still rather that any day if it means you’d be here falling asleep with me.
I tell myself not to waste time trying to think of “what ifs”. The matter had been settled before and despite the words of colleagues saying otherwise, dwelling on it would only result to things going bad and awkward. I teach myself to appreciate the fact that nothing was promised and that there is so much more I could have. ‘You will act and think brightly, for the sake of keeping what’s left of yourself. You cannot afford to be so distracted when the other party isn’t. Stop waiting. Start moving on.’ That was my mantra.
The worst thing about it, however, is that I cannot tell anyone. When I hurt, when I miss you, when matters become too confusing that I just want somebody else’s point of view. I am confined to a manner of thinking which I don’t know is not very much educated on this matter. I know things, but when it comes to emotions as strong as this I wish you would not test me so. I have not been weathered for it. And you know I fear being broken the most.
Yet contradictingly i’d like to have a moment. Just one more. My selfishness pushes me to ask that if you haven’t grown tired, given up or found somebody else yet, maybe I could have just one more meeting. A last one. You still are one of the best things that happened to me. For that I will be thankful. I just wish things didn’t have to be so complicated.
From now I begin to withdraw towards the place that I should have been in originally – before the line. Friendship, after all, is ultimately what we have. We had a good run, you and I. But i’m afraid to fall further and as cheesy as it sounds I know you won’t be there to catch me. So it stops.