#JWI Fourteen: Pangarap sa buhay

​maging doktor. kumain ng masarap. makapagluto ng masarap. makabawi ng tulog (finally! haha) pagkatapos ng ilang taong pagpupuyat. galugadin ang Pilipinas. matutong kumuha ng matinong pictures. mag-alaga ng dalawang may breed na aso from puppyhood until big dogs na sila. makasulat ng libro. maging masaya. magpasaya. magmahal. mahalin.

aaand repeat.

#JWI Thirteen: For now

i dreamt of you again. 

this time i had woken from the bedroom i seldom slept in, my roommates already at the dining table supposedly reviewing. the sound of conversation had woken me and i looked up, still groggy from sleep, to recognize a figure whose back was to me. there’s a flit of suspicion before you turn sideways and i confirm that you indeed have come.

as if you all realized i am awake, three pairs of eyes turned to me. i just stared back at you though, my mind muddled from sleep and yet refusing to accept your presence. i remembered laying my head down – prone that i am – and heard movement from the living room. your voice comes to me, muffled by the pillow on which i’ve shoved my face on. You had said, “Tutulog pa ulit cya?” (She’s going to sleep again?) and my roommates answered, “Kakahiga lang nyan” and “Puyat kagabi”. (She just went to bed / (She) Stayed up late last night.)

The bed dips on my right side and then there’s a familiar weight on my back, where you had apparently draped your body. I stay still, hopefully in a convincing display of slumber, but you wiggled and so did i. My then moan of protest is answered with your laugh (and in the foggy state of mind i thought i missed that sound). Your chin rested on my shoulder. 

We stayed just like that for a while, the warmth of your body an added comfort I let happen. There was no why or how in my dream. Things like that could come another time because after all at that point we already are. For the sake of dreams, that is all that mattered.

You eventually moved, pushing higher against me and there’s the brush of your lips on my nape. You whispered, “Hello. Missed me?” 

Unwilling that i am to move or lose your weight above me, I just smiled.
I half-expected you to be there when I woke up for real despite already having that feeling it wasn’t going to be so. Ok na din because in this version the whys and hows would have to be answered and this is not the time in my life for things like that. Or for people who put what ifs I dare not ponder on. I am at the playing field of my career right now. As regretful as it is to say, I would have to pass on whatevet this is temporarily.

let me just say that if how i saw you last night is as you are in reality these days, then I’m happy for you. 

I’ll see you again in my dreams sometime.

#JWI: Twelve

good morning from Tagaytay! it’s been a while since i posted because i’ve been constantly travelling from Dasma to Tagaytay to Manila to Batangas and everywhere in between for clearance and review and because i’ve given up my dorm of four years and thus lack a fast and constant connection. it sucks but at least i get less distracted.

i went jogging this morning, savoring the cold and trying to mind less of the people i meet during the run. i still have a fear of people sometimes, or at least a fear of being watched. nakaka-conscious. but i’m doing the run for myself anyway and if i look awkward or run differently, that’s my choice and you get to stay quiet. haha.

towards the end of my morning jog i called Inay, as she was with ate Baby. they’ve arrived from Bohol yesterday night but i was already asleep and couldn’t reply until the morning. she’ll be fetched today for home and i’ll get to see all of them next month.

i’ve begun the self study, using Topnotch’s study schedule as guide. it came as a good surprise that they have this kind of support system even for their students who chose to take the Essentials (shortened course) program. our class will start in July and yet since May 4 they have advised us on the subjects to read on and how long a time to spend on them. hopefully i get to have a full-on, no distractions reading after the clearance signing this Monday. waiting for this to be done has put a lot of delay on my personal schedule. it’s a big help that my sister allowed me to live in her condo for the meantime so i wouldnt have to travel from Batangas to Dasma every now and then. my travel time is considerably shortened and the what’s saved of it i could use for studying.

i might post here more often because i opted to lessen talking time (you know, in an effort to study more) or because i’m getting swamped with study material and wanted some relief. then again, i might not post because internet’s crappy and waiting for the page to load could have been spent for more important things i.e. reading (or sleeping) instead. we’ll see.

people in my life have been going on with theirs, all healthy and more or less happy. i hope they continue to be so. 🙂

Mood: hungry
Listening to: 90.7 Love Radio (was waiting for Tambalan of Nicole Hyala and Chris Tsuper but forgot it was Saturday and so could only listen to them separately). Nevertheless, i like this station. 🙂

#JWI: Eleven

(late post coz i fell asleep. -.-‘)

i hope today went well for you. it’s quite hot and i know that Manila traffic was just as before and it just makes you want to get a place closer to the review center. be careful when you drive, and i hope your patience stretches a little more. my day went well too, though it involved going back and forth to Manila and Dasma for “adult stuff”. the great thing is that after all the day i had, the reward came in the form of a reprieve from makeup duty. yehey! now i’m at the callroom with Macmac and Em and resisting sleep because i wanted to write this. i remembered you kasi, and though you won’t know about this, it makes me feel good that i can write what i won’t tell you for now. you are what scares and thrills me. i’ll see you soon.

Mood: restless but sleepy

NP: Diwata – Abra || Kapag nariyan ka bumabagal ang ikot ng mundo. Hindi kita dapat ginugusto pero ako’y nabihag mo~

#JWI: Ten

There was a time when i slept over at their place. It was a friend’s birthday and we spent dinner over – just pizza and soda and meeting his cousin – and that time i was still disillusioned of my overly affectionate feelings for this person. The lights have been turned off and everyone but one was settling in to sleep. And he was there getting ready for bed and i was sitting on one of the other beds and in a surge of momentary braveness i called his name and said, Happy birthday, my arms wide open for a hug. Because i felt like being spontaneous and because i thought we knew each other enough to know that gestures like those were okay, at least between our little circle. But what i got was stunted silence and a stammering, Wait lang, and a second later the moment was gone, now replaced with an awkwardness i will not soon forget. He finished fixing his bed but by that time i was embarassed enough and no one wanted to get back to what happened a few seconds ago. It was the first substantial hit to my perfect illusion of a happy relationship with him, with those people.

I don’t think we ever got past that. Years later we kept seeing each other, and though at times it felt like things were working, there were moments when the barrier simply stood a little harder to break between him and me.

__

Experience is a brutal teacher but you learn. My god, do you learn. – C.S. Lewis

__

Mood: melancholic. it’s the first rain of summer.
Now Playing: Christina Perri – Arms | You put your arms around me and I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go.

#JWI: Nine || Expectation vs Reality

 

The Oxford Online Dictionary defines friend as:

A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

This is expectation.

My reality is this: Once I had a person I thought I knew and with whom I thought I had a bond of mutual affection with.


I talked to Adrian last night and asked him of his opinion of what happened between my friend and I. It’s been roughly five months since I knew and to this day it still bothers me. I hate that this person had made me question my worth to him, to what we had five years ago. The fact that Ads also made some points only pounded the fact that I have come back to square one with myself – dissappointed and more importantly, tired. I wish there simply was an off button. Or better yet a gauge meter, so that when you’re giving too much only to get too close to hurting, it will sound an alarm loud enough to wake you from the delusion that this person deserves to be cared for that much.

It has been years, and there had been a lot of questions to myself over this one person, each time with the same answer na, Baka naman magbabago pa. Or reasoning with, Ganoon talaga yan, pagpasencyahan mo na.

The sad part is, I’ve come to the point of hating instead of understanding. Of civility rather than warmth. Of calling him an acquaintance rather than a friend. On a different blog’s post, I recall saying Ayoko na, going as far as saying, Gago ka.

And I keep seeing him and her and it hurts that I know both of them and yet I knew nothing of them. And he had said, Mabait ka naman e  and I’d like to tell him I’m not like that anymore, because I’ve been taken advantage of far too many times by people like him. I have come to the point of not wanting to confront him because there’s no use. We are too far from each other, yet ironically the closest in proximity. Was I not a friend? Has he forgotten our pinagsamahan? Or did that not count to begin with? He makes me want to step back into myself, and let people pass me by instead of investing a part of me in them, because it might end up like this. And there are only a number of times a person allows herself to be so doubtful of her own actions before she stops altogether.

What’s worse is, the friendship I invested with him (and two others) was something I believed was strong enough to support grown-up life. I saw us seemingly like those people in the movies who come together with their own families, their children friends with the other’s children, they the godparents of the other’s kids. I took the first step to making that happen when I considered them an extended part of the family, and it was a big step because we are typically people with intimate groups of friends to be known to our parents and siblings and I chose them – i chose him – to be those people. And from three there were two and now there’s only one. And I could not tell anybody else how bad this feels because anybody else is actually them. And this is all just a mess.

I hate this. Can’t you just meet a person and know right then exactly how much worth you will be in each other’s lives? Bilangan na kung bilangan, pero baka naman that way hindi masyadong makakasakit. Nakakaloko e.

#JWI: Eight || For Wishful Thinking

At some point that time will come – when everything is at its place. When I can and I will. When you’re there and I’m there and the only thing separating us is an aisle to walk on. On that day I will have been a mess, but a thankful one nonetheless because finally another dream is coming true – one that has been so wishfully thought of for as long as I can remember.

Though I might not know know who you will be, from now until the moment God decides to have our paths cross, I hope you are happy and safe on your own. Until then, you are a constant in my prayers, and I will be waiting until we can spend love and life together for however long we are given.

Someone Like You – Voctave (ft Jody McBrayer)

I’ve found it. I wish you do too.