The Oxford Online Dictionary defines friend as:
A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
This is expectation.
My reality is this: Once I had a person I thought I knew and with whom I thought I had a bond of mutual affection with.
I talked to Adrian last night and asked him of his opinion of what happened between my friend and I. It’s been roughly five months since I knew and to this day it still bothers me. I hate that this person had made me question my worth to him, to what we had five years ago. The fact that Ads also made some points only pounded the fact that I have come back to square one with myself – dissappointed and more importantly, tired. I wish there simply was an off button. Or better yet a gauge meter, so that when you’re giving too much only to get too close to hurting, it will sound an alarm loud enough to wake you from the delusion that this person deserves to be cared for that much.
It has been years, and there had been a lot of questions to myself over this one person, each time with the same answer na, Baka naman magbabago pa. Or reasoning with, Ganoon talaga yan, pagpasencyahan mo na.
The sad part is, I’ve come to the point of hating instead of understanding. Of civility rather than warmth. Of calling him an acquaintance rather than a friend. On a different blog’s post, I recall saying Ayoko na, going as far as saying, Gago ka.
And I keep seeing him and her and it hurts that I know both of them and yet I knew nothing of them. And he had said, Mabait ka naman e and I’d like to tell him I’m not like that anymore, because I’ve been taken advantage of far too many times by people like him. I have come to the point of not wanting to confront him because there’s no use. We are too far from each other, yet ironically the closest in proximity. Was I not a friend? Has he forgotten our pinagsamahan? Or did that not count to begin with? He makes me want to step back into myself, and let people pass me by instead of investing a part of me in them, because it might end up like this. And there are only a number of times a person allows herself to be so doubtful of her own actions before she stops altogether.
What’s worse is, the friendship I invested with him (and two others) was something I believed was strong enough to support grown-up life. I saw us seemingly like those people in the movies who come together with their own families, their children friends with the other’s children, they the godparents of the other’s kids. I took the first step to making that happen when I considered them an extended part of the family, and it was a big step because we are typically people with intimate groups of friends to be known to our parents and siblings and I chose them – i chose him – to be those people. And from three there were two and now there’s only one. And I could not tell anybody else how bad this feels because anybody else is actually them. And this is all just a mess.
I hate this. Can’t you just meet a person and know right then exactly how much worth you will be in each other’s lives? Bilangan na kung bilangan, pero baka naman that way hindi masyadong makakasakit. Nakakaloko e.